stories, lessons, and a lot of nonsense

I’m a Christian.  I hope you’ve picked up on that.  It’s actually a quite necessary requirement of my employment.  I would venture to say that if I wasn’t a Christian, my boss would probably have a sit down with me.  After witnessing to me relentlessly, making sure I said a prayer, and filled out a connection card for follow-up, he would probably have to fire me.  Those are just the breaks when you’re a pastor.  If I were not a Christian, but wanted to make sure I kept my job, I would use facebook as a cover.

You can always tell a good Christian by their facebook profile.  I’m pretty sure that if Jesus were teaching today, He would have said that the world would know us by our fruit and our facebook profiles.  Some people produce a lot of spiritual fruit, but don’t have a facebook, whereas some produce little to no fruit, while having the most Christian facebook profile around.  And of course, there are those who are sincerely totally into God, it spills over into their facebook page, and you question their sincerity. What’s wrong with you?

Today, I will teach you  how to spruce up your facebook page with a little Holy Ghost power. You can use one or all of these suggestions to increase your spiritual swag. As a brand new youth pastor – when we lived in Florida – I felt obligated to follow all of the things I put below, because that would set the right social networking example for all of the students. If Jesus had a Myspace page, His interests and quotes would have matched mine line-by-line. I’ve backslid since then, and you will see that I really don’t follow all of my own advice, but some of it can be found on my own page.

Let’s begin, shall we?

It all starts with your statuses.  Make sure at least one time per day your status is either a Bible verse or lyrics to a praise and worship song.  An easy way to do this is to just quote one verse you liked from your devotions that day.  Your level of spirituality will determined by how many times per day this occurs.   You get bonus points for doing the entire Romans Road each day, even if all of your friends are Christians that you know from church.  I should say “especially if all of your friends are Christians that you know from church.”

Under your picture, you have a box where you can write a quick blurb.  I’m really not sure what that is for, but on a Christian facebook profile, this is the perfect section to put your favorite verse.

Click on the info button on your profile.  What do you see?  I see a testimony waiting to happen.  Start with your religious views.  You should be very specific here.  If you only select “Christian – (Insert Denomination),” we’ll feel cheated.  You need to put something like, “It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship,” or “Washed by the blood of the Lamb,” or even “My chains are gone.  I’ve been set free.”  Chris Tomlin won’t mind.

Wait! Did I really skip “Political Views?” No brainer, right? Please type, “Republican.” You may also put the name of your favorite Republican politician and your desire to see him/her as our next president. Okay, just kidding here…but seriously, you’d better do it. lest ye be judged.

Next comes your bio.  Make sure you mention your relationship status with God, your church name, and do your Grammy acceptance speech thing.  You know what I mean, right?  “I just want to thank God.  Without Him, I wouldn’t have fingers to type on facebook.”

Now we’re to the section where you can really shine: the “favorite quotes” section. On top of posting daily status updates, you should also put your favorite verses here. Little ditties from your pastor go perfect here, too. If you are a Christian equivalent to Superman, you will have the Romans Road here, too. You probably immediately realized that I am not a Superman, because I said something about being an idiot, followed by an off the wall quote from my dad. Sorry for letting you down.

Work and education is boring, but it’s also a place where I can score really highly. I get points for going to seminary and working on a church staff. I’m not sure what else you can do in that section to bump your score.

And now the really personal stuff. What are your interests? Do you put “Jesus” here? Probably. You should probably put the whole Trinity in there. They are equal parts God, and equally relevant and active in your life. Go for it. Please also repeat the name of your church here. I will personally give bonus points to any teenager in my youth group who puts our youth group in there. I don’t know where I’ll get the points or how I’ll transfer them to the students, but I’ll find a way.

Music is variable. For the most part, it really doesn’t matter what you put here, as long as you are sure to put one of three artists (or even all 3): Casting Crowns, David Crowder, and/or Chris Tomlin. You could probably put AC/DC and get away with it as long as it was sandwiched between any of those artists. I fail to put any of these in my section, but I make up for it by having only Christian bands listed. Facebook is not the appropriate place for me to proclaim my affections for the secular bands I enjoy. It would send the wrong message. Right?

Books are obvious. Please put “The Bible and anything by C.S. Lewis.” You can be really specific, if you must. You could put, “Bible (KJV only) and Mere Christianity.”

Movies are important, too. No matter how much you love the movie, you should never put “Pineapple Express,” or really anything with Seth Rogan in it. His movies are a no fly zone. I literally have never seen one of his movies, because even I know this. So if you can’t put your favorite movies, for fear of judgment, what can you put? Facing the Giants, Fireproof, and To Save a Life – even though everyone can tell that acting was not a required skill for the first two mentioned. I would like to see The Butter Cream Gang show up, too. That’s old school cheesy and just the kind of movie you should list.

Television: just kidding. TV is the Devil’s tool.

Lastly, make sure you become a fan of every page that mentions God.  Even if you get 100 invites per day, be sure to confirm them all.

So there you have it: tangible pointers to help you get your facebook profile up to par. If you follow these tips, you will be well on your way to having people “like” your statuses, leave you comments – especially ones including the word “AMEN!” – and talk about your spiritual turn around behind your back. “What’s gotten into him? He’s so into God lately.” Nailed it.

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Comments on: "by their facebooks ye shall know them" (4)

  1. And here I thought there was a contest for being the most “Christian” on FaceBook and I was really losing…

  2. I got in touch last year with an old friend that I had lost contact with. We reconnected over Facebook, but I scoped him out before I sent an email. I was a little concerned because he didn’t say he was a Christian – I was afraid he had lost his faith. All because his Facebook profile didn’t advertise his faith!

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