stories, lessons, and a lot of nonsense

I showed the following video on Sunday night in youth group, and it was swiftly pointed out that I had a lot of checkmarks on the list of how to be a Christian hipster.  I invite you to watch the video, and then listen as I defend myself.  You cannot tell just by reading it, but I am defending myself in a whiny tone, and if you question me, I might start crying and tell on you.

Let’s start with the list and move down from there.  I’ll confirm or deny having a checkmark, and if I have one, I’ll defend myself.

1.  Tight pants: no.  Never.  You should thank me.  If ever I’ve worn tight pants, they were tight in the waist, because I was getting fatter.

2.  Vnecks: I own one that is only worn as an undershirt.  It’s purple, though, so it does match the video.  I never wear it out on its own, and I keep my chest hair to myself.  Again, you’re welcome.

3.  Toms: Yes, I wear them.  I also wear Sambas, which are clearly shown as not hipster enough in this video, and I wear the Sambas 5/7 days each week.

4.  Faux hawk/Euro-mullet: Had a faux hawk, never a mullet of any sort.  So you could have gotten me on this one, but now I have a shaved head thanks to the recession we are in.  You just missed pinning this one on me.

5.  Scarves/zip up hoodie: I own one scarf, which is only used in the winter when I will be outside for multiple hours at a time.  I don’t own any unnecessary scarves.  And a zip up hoodie?  I own one, but it’s never worn over a scarf, and it’s not hipster at all.  It’s a Michigan hoodie, and everyone knows sports hoodies aren’t hipster.  They’re mainstream.

6.  Thick-rimmed glasses (non-prescription): there’s nothing cool about wearing glasses, people.  I wear them because I’m almost blind in one eye.  I can’t distinguish between a man and a woman from 15 feet away if I’m only using my left eye with no correction.  But my glasses are thick-rimmed.

7.  Hebrew tattoo: I have Hebrew tattooed on my arm, but I’m of Jewish descent.  I didn’t even realize that it was cool with Gentiles till I met someone with a Hebrew tattoo that wasn’t a Jew.  My first question: “Hey, are you Jewish?”  Them: “No, why?”  Me: “You have Hebrew on your arm.  I just figured.”  Not everyone with a big nose and/or Hebrew tattooed on them is a Jew.  I just thought that it meant that.  But I’ll take a point if you want me to.  I’m not scoring too highly, though.

8.  Trendy beanie: Don’t own one.  I wear winter hats when it’s cold outside.  It’s a Michigan winter hat.  Again, sports are mainstream, not hipstery.

9.  iPhone Bible: yes, I have one of those, but I also read from a…wait for it…Bible made from paper everyday, and I almost always use a hardcopy Bible when I preach.

10.  Cooler than the other side of the pillow: I just took 9 points explaining to you why I’m not cool at all.  I’m not.  Some people pretend to be nerds now, because being a nerd is trendy…but only if you do it intentionally.  I was born nerdy, and that’s not cool.

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