I showed the following video on Sunday night in youth group, and it was swiftly pointed out that I had a lot of checkmarks on the list of how to be a Christian hipster. I invite you to watch the video, and then listen as I defend myself. You cannot tell just by reading it, but I am defending myself in a whiny tone, and if you question me, I might start crying and tell on you.
Let’s start with the list and move down from there. I’ll confirm or deny having a checkmark, and if I have one, I’ll defend myself.
1. Tight pants: no. Never. You should thank me. If ever I’ve worn tight pants, they were tight in the waist, because I was getting fatter.
2. Vnecks: I own one that is only worn as an undershirt. It’s purple, though, so it does match the video. I never wear it out on its own, and I keep my chest hair to myself. Again, you’re welcome.
3. Toms: Yes, I wear them. I also wear Sambas, which are clearly shown as not hipster enough in this video, and I wear the Sambas 5/7 days each week.
4. Faux hawk/Euro-mullet: Had a faux hawk, never a mullet of any sort. So you could have gotten me on this one, but now I have a shaved head thanks to the recession we are in. You just missed pinning this one on me.
5. Scarves/zip up hoodie: I own one scarf, which is only used in the winter when I will be outside for multiple hours at a time. I don’t own any unnecessary scarves. And a zip up hoodie? I own one, but it’s never worn over a scarf, and it’s not hipster at all. It’s a Michigan hoodie, and everyone knows sports hoodies aren’t hipster. They’re mainstream.
6. Thick-rimmed glasses (non-prescription): there’s nothing cool about wearing glasses, people. I wear them because I’m almost blind in one eye. I can’t distinguish between a man and a woman from 15 feet away if I’m only using my left eye with no correction. But my glasses are thick-rimmed.
7. Hebrew tattoo: I have Hebrew tattooed on my arm, but I’m of Jewish descent. I didn’t even realize that it was cool with Gentiles till I met someone with a Hebrew tattoo that wasn’t a Jew. My first question: “Hey, are you Jewish?” Them: “No, why?” Me: “You have Hebrew on your arm. I just figured.” Not everyone with a big nose and/or Hebrew tattooed on them is a Jew. I just thought that it meant that. But I’ll take a point if you want me to. I’m not scoring too highly, though.
8. Trendy beanie: Don’t own one. I wear winter hats when it’s cold outside. It’s a Michigan winter hat. Again, sports are mainstream, not hipstery.
9. iPhone Bible: yes, I have one of those, but I also read from a…wait for it…Bible made from paper everyday, and I almost always use a hardcopy Bible when I preach.
10. Cooler than the other side of the pillow: I just took 9 points explaining to you why I’m not cool at all. I’m not. Some people pretend to be nerds now, because being a nerd is trendy…but only if you do it intentionally. I was born nerdy, and that’s not cool.