stories, lessons, and a lot of nonsense

Archive for the ‘Christmas’ Category

the animals that killed Christmas

Everyone’s always blaming the Grinch for stealing Christmas. It’s an easy accusation to make, cause he’s repugnant. He’s so ugly. And yet, there are other perpetrators of Christmascide that go unpunished. They do not carry the sickly assocations that Mr. Grinch is left to carry on his own. Why? Because some Christmas killers are cute, furry, gentle creatures. See the pictures above. They look innocent enough, but they have killed Christmas. The fat one, on the left, persists on climbing our fake Christmas tree. It was cute last year, when he weighed 3 pounds, but that husky beast is 12 pounds at least, and the branches cannot take it. The bottom branches now all point to the ground. He has bent the metal arms. Shame on Mojo. The chewer, pictured at the right, has taken it upon herself to make our tree a non-working pre-lit Christmas tree. Before she got her paws – and teeth – on our tree, it would light up on its own. That is very handy, and it saves us time in decorating. No more, says Jaysian. She took it upon herself to chew the plug off the wire. At least she was smart enough to unplug it before executing her plan.

The Grinch is innocent. Leave him be. The real shame is on the cute, cuddly little animals…who have killed the Selph family Christmas this year.


what’s all the fuss about?

Santa Claus is the topic of many Christian discussions. My parents were taught that they shouldn’t tell me Santa was real. After all, if I one day found out he wasn’t, I would stop believing in Jesus. I get asked a lot now, as a children’s pastor, if I will let my kids believe in Santa Claus. I think I will, but I don’t have kids right now, and things change when you do (so I hear). I’ll even let Cole believe in Santa for another year. But I really don’t know what all the trouble is with this Santa fellow? He is a Christian, isn’t he? Some of you think he’s the devil, but I have video evidence to the contrary. Santa is not just a normal Christian, he’s a Jesus Freak…

an inspirational Christmas moment

I was at the store the other day, and I did not want to be there. I was in a really pissy mood. I finally picked up everything I needed, and headed to the cash register. Lucky for me, there were only a couple open, so I got to wait in line. I was behind this kid who was there alone. Since I was already in a bad mood, I was extra annoyed that this kid was out by himself. Where was his mother? Finally it was his turn to be checked out, so at least my standing there was almost over. He only had one item to buy. I only had 4, so even this slow cashier could get the two of us out of there pretty quickly. Well, that’s what I thought anyway. The kid pulls out a couple of crumbled bills, and then starts in with the change. Are you kidding me? He must have busted into his piggy bank and brought as many pennies as possible. The cashier got through counting it all, and the kid was short a little. She told him as much, and he started crying. You can ask my wife and she will verify that I hate crying. It’s not a compassionate hatred, either. It’s an, “I’m so annoyed I will get you to do anything to stop crying.” So I pulled out a few bucks and gave it to the cashier and told the kid to settle down, cause I covered it. He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said…

“Thank you, sir, I’ve got to buy these shoes, for my mama, please. It’s Christmas Eve, and these shoes are just her size…”

Okay, I’ll be honest with you. That didn’t happen at all. It’s stolen material from the most annoying Christmas song ever. I hate Christmas Shoes. I will give FM Static credit for making it at least tolerable, but seriously, I lost a little respect for them just knowing that they did a version of it. I love Christmas music sans Christmas shoes. What Christmas song do you dread? What makes you change the channel to find respite when it comes on the radio?